Men have two friendship problems, says Max Dickins. One, we may have lots of mates, but tend to lack intimacy with the friends we have. Two, with the friends we do have, we grow further apart as we get older.
I read Billy No Mates on holiday this summer. It’s a really challenging read – not because of its style which is easy and amusing – but because of it’s premise, which is that for men like me, friendship is a battleground, and one upon which I am losing.
The author, Max Dickins, is a comedian, which comes across in some of the genuinely hilarious anecdotes, turns of phrase and cultural references. He wrote the book because the single greatest barrier to him asking his girlfriend to marry him was the fact he didn’t have a close enough friend to ask to be his best man. This led him to explore the state of male friendship, and he finds that across the board we are not doing well. Billy No Mates is a painful and fascinating journey through the science and sociology of masculine relationships and some very funny self-conducted experiments including renting a friend on the internet for the afternoon.
As a Christian, I believe we should talk about friendship more. When was the last time you heard a sermon on friendship? If we know the God who is relational to his core, surely we should be the best friends in the world? Jesus said people would know we are his disciples by the way we love one another (John 13:35). Surely this has a lot to do with friendship.
But it shouldn’t just be something we talk about, or even just participate in. We should be the friend-facilitators of the world. Jesus, even as he is dying on the cross, asks John to look after his mother. He is the great connector and, as Jesus followers, we have that opportunity and mandate too. At its best, I have seen the church help isolated people make friends. In the words of Psalm 68, ‘He sets the lonely in families.’ At the end of the book, Max resolves to start a ‘Pub Club’ where he tells his friends he will be at a certain place for a few hours, and invites them to come and hang out and chat. It works. If there is nothing like that in your life, why not think about starting something? If there is, Max’s encouragement is to ‘show up, when asked.’
And we know through recent research that not only is a lack of close friendships is also the number one barrier to us sharing our faith[1], but these relational connections play a hugely significant role in people becoming Christians.[2]
So can we do better here? Can we be that bit more intentional about showing you when invited, instigating meet ups and daring to take the conversation deeper than football? My prayer for men and women is that our friends become less and less casualties of war and that we turn around the losing battle for deep relational connection in our workplaces and communities. May we be the best of friends we can be, and may there be no Billy or Betty no-mates.
[1] https://www.eauk.org/what-we-do/initiatives/changing-church/autumn-2021-survey
